


At Least It Wasn't Cabbages

by Lumelle



Category: LEGO Marvel Super Heroes
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Babies, F/M, Humor, Nick Fury is an idiot, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Stork delivery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 14:05:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5459135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumelle/pseuds/Lumelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, even supervillains have lives. And families. And sometimes their families have families. Except sometimes, superheroes interfere with that.</p><p>Or, that time Nick Fury kidnapped Magneto's grandkids without even noticing and Phil had to deal with that mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Least It Wasn't Cabbages

**Author's Note:**

> I've basically had this idea in my head ever since I first played through LEGO Marvel Super Heroes. I figured it's about time to get it out before LEGO Avengers arrives and gives us lego-canonical versions of the twins, Vision, and the younger twins.
> 
> Also I wanted to write something utterly cracky and Lego seemed like the perfect medium.

The thing with villainous lairs was, it was always good to have more than one. Some villains didn't seem to understand this, which Erik very much judged them for. Sure, having your own country was very impressive and all, but everyone knew that to find Doom they only needed to go to Latveria. Just because a location was secure didn't necessarily mean it was good for laying low. This was why Erik had long since learned to always keep at least one lair hidden from everyone else.

Besides, it wasn't like he was the only one who needed the privacy.

It had been a couple of months since the whole mess with Galactus, and he still hadn't received any visits from heroes at his actual lair, which obviously proved the superiority of his plan. Now, he found a car pulled up front when he got home from a little afternoon flight. That was interesting. He didn't really use cars, and the only one who should have been home right now thought they were far too slow. Besides, this was a familiar car, one he'd waved off not too long ago.

Well, there was only one way to find out if he was right. Which was to open the door and walk inside.

"Papa!" This was all the warning he got before someone crashed into him. It was a good thing he was quite used to such things, reaching his arms around the assailant.

"Hello, Wanda." He smiled, patting her hair. "I didn't think you'd be back yet."

"We started to get kind of homesick, so we decided to come home a little early." She stepped back, smiling widely. "So have you saved the world again while we were away?"

"If he had, he'd have better have called me," Pietro shouted from the direction of the living room. "It's bad enough I had to just sit around and keep the old man company here, I'm not going to be sitting around all alone!"

"Surely you could have just followed him if he had gone out somewhere." Vision appeared from the direction of his and Wanda's room, so clearly he had just been taking their luggage in. "Erik. It's good to see you're well."

"Vision." He nodded at his son-in-law. "So, how was the honeymoon, you two? Sick of married life yet?"

"Not nearly enough." Wanda chuckled, leaning in to kiss Vision before she turned to smile at Erik. "Actually, we picked up something on the way that I think you'd like to see."

"Did you bring me anything?" Pietro finally dashed over from the living room, poking at his sister. "It's unfair if you brought something for him but not for me! Why didn't you bring me anything?"

"It's not really something for Papa, just something he'll be interested in." Wanda rolled his eyes. "And yes, I brought you something. Go get my purse and I'll show you."

"Yay!" Pietro ran off and returned a second later carrying Wanda's purse. "Now hurry up!"

"Yes, yes." She took the purse, Vision's arm around his shoulders. First, she drew out a huge lollipop and handed it to Pietro, who shouted with glee before running off with his prize. Wanda smiled and glanced after him before drawing something else out of her purse. "Something tells me we should be stocking up on lollipops soon."

Erik gasped when he saw the white bird printed at the top of the paper Wanda drew out. "Is that what I think it is?"

"That depends on what you think it is." Wanda smiled, leaning against Vision as Erik took the paper block into his hands. Yes, he'd been right about it the first time. "We rather like to think it's a stork order form."

"You're sure about this?" Erik handed it back to her very carefully. "It's a very big responsibility, you know."

"We are aware of that, yes." Vision smiled. "We think we're ready for that, though."

"Well, you know I'll be helping you in every way I can." Erik raised his voice. "And so will Pietro, right?"

"What?" Pietro reappeared, licking his lollipop at a rapid pace. When he saw the form in Wanda's hand, though, he froze for a moment. "No way!" he cried out then. "I'm going to be an uncle?"

"Soon enough, yes." Wanda chuckled. "We were thinking of filling it out today, if you could then drop it by the post office?"

"Consider it done!" Pietro saluted. Then, after peeling the sticky lollipop off the side of his head, he saluted again with the hand that wasn't holding a treat. With this accomplished, he ran off, chanting loudly, "I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle!"

Erik glanced after his eldest child. "Are you sure you want to bring another child into the house?"

"He'll grow up," Wanda chuckled. "And really, maybe having a baby in the house will make him act more mature."

"I wouldn't hold my breath, but we'll see." Erik smiled. "How about you two get settled in and start thinking about your order? I have some plans to get started on before I make dinner."

"What kind of plans?" Vision looked genuinely curious. "Can we help?"

"Not now, but I do need your input sooner or later." Erik chuckled. "After all, I couldn't very well decorate the nursery without even asking for your opinions."

Oh, this was going to be wonderful.

*

"Ah, there you are, Phil." Nick had a slight gleam in his eye as Phil walked up to the bridge. That was never a good sign. "Was wondering where you were."

"Just finishing up some paperwork, Sir." Phil belatedly adjusted his hair. It always got skewed when he fell asleep at his desk, and he always fell asleep at his desk when he was reading through Clint's mission reports. Phil suspected Clint made them so very boring on purpose, he did often complain that Phil didn't get enough rest. Of course, this meant he'd been quite startled to suddenly be summoned by the Director. "Was something the matter?"

"You could say that." Nick frowned, then motioned for him to follow. "We have intercepted a suspicious delivery."

Phil frowned. "What do you mean, intercepted?"

"What I mean is," Nick threw open the door to one of the small meeting rooms next to the bridge, which usually were only really used for birthday parties and the occasional movie night, "that a delivery agent literally stopped on the helicarrier to rest."

Phil followed Nick into the meeting room, curious about such a delivery. When he saw what awaited him, though, he was forced to stare.

It was a stork. A stork with a big, cloth-wrapped bundle in front of it. The stork was glaring at them, making angry noises, but couldn't do much with a rope wrapped around it every which way and a SHIELD agent holding tight onto each end.

"Right. Let's get started on this." Nick walked over, picked up the bundle and handed it off to Phil without even glancing at it. "Phil, you look into this, I'll handle the bird."

Phil caught the bundle in his arms. It was very clearly squirming. "Sir. Perhaps we should reconsider?"

"Reconsider? You want me to reconsider?" Nick turned a disapproving eye at him, pointing at the address tag attached to the bundle. "Says it right here. 'Lehnsherr, Grand Villain Hideout, Evil Lane 1, Hidden Valley.' Lehnsherr is Magneto's real name. This is more than enough proof that something is afoot."

"But, Sir, considering the circumstances I don't think —"

"Well, start thinking, then." Nick poked at the bundle, turning away before he noticed it squirming again in response. "Take the bird to the interrogation room!" Then, he marched off, leaving Phil reaching after him. The stork glanced at him with a suddenly very worried expression, making a pleading sound before it got dragged off.

The bundle squirmed in his arms, then made an unhappy sound.

Phil was going to get such a headache.

*

"Sir?"

Nick looked away from the bird he'd been staring down. It hadn't made a peep all time, staring at him like he was the bad guy here. He wasn't the one who had been delivering goods to villains. "Phil. Did you inspect the package?"

"Well, yes, Sir. About that. You see, it's —"

Like Nick had time for details right now. "Could it be an evil plot?"

"What?" Why was Phil questioning him? He'd been very clear, surely.

"You heard me." Nick glared at him. Too bad his glares hadn't worked on Phil for a long time. "Is it something that could be used in an evil scheme to take over the world? Yes or no."

"Well, I suppose yes, but —"

"That's all I need to know." He didn't have time for this kind of dilly-dallying. "You take care of that."

"Take care of it how, exactly, Sir?"

"I don't know, you figure it out." Nick waved his hand dismissively. "Do what you need to do."

"…Right." Phil nodded, and that was good, he needed to stop wasting time. "Permission to have specialist Barton assist me?"

"I told you, do what you need to do. I'll be busy with this for a while. I don't need to hold your hand, do I? You and Maria are in charge until I've cleared this."

"Yes, Sir." Phil nodded again. Good man.

"Good. Now, shoo." He didn't have time to worry about the exact contents of the package, not now.

He had a tough bird to crack.

*

"You want me to do what?"

"I think you heard me." Phil sighed, looking at the bundle he'd unwrapped on his bed. The contents were still squirming on top of the cloth they'd been wrapped in, making curious little sounds. "I'm sorry to ask you this, especially without a warning, but the Director won't listen to me and —"

"No, no, don't apologize." Clint grinned. "This is kind of awesome, actually. Best mission I've had in a while."

"You're sure?" Phil didn't even try to hide his relief. "I mean, I knew you like this sort of thing, but it's still a bit lot to spring on someone at once."

"Sure! Maybe now someone will finally laugh at my jokes." Clint grinned, walking over to the bed and scooping the contents of the package into both arms. "I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some supplies, though. My nest is pretty comfy but it's not fit for this kind of a thing."

"Just acquisition everything you need, and have them rush it. I'll authorize it all." Phil folded his arms. "If his Directorness won't listen to me, he can at least be responsible for the clean-up."

"I like this plan, I like it a lot." Clint grinned. "Hey, that gives me kind of an idea. You know Magneto's probably going to show up soon, right? I mean, I'm pretty sure those storks have tracking info nowadays, you hardly ever hear of packages left on the wrong doorstep anymore."

"That does seem likely, yes." Phil nodded. "What's your plan?"

Clint's grin widened. "Well, it kind of involves all the other Avengers…"

*

"Ah. Are you sure this is all right?" Steve gave a dubious look at the card Phil had just handed him.

"Positive." Phil tried not to grin too widely. He didn't want the Captain to think he was being ridiculous, after all. "Director Fury said I should handle the situation however I see fit, and I think this is the best way to handle the situation."

"I suppose you're right, then." Steve nodded. "Count on me to be there, then, whenever you need me to be. And let me know if there's anything else I can do to help."

"Ah. I might need your help with convincing the others, depending on how the things go." Phil tried not to sound too hopeless. He didn't want the Captain to think he couldn't handle this, after all. "I have Clint on watch duty right now, and I'm sure Maria will be happy to go with my plans, but I haven't talked with the other Avengers yet."

"I'd be happy to help with that." Steve smiled. "How about I handle Tony and Thor and you take Natasha and Hulk?"

"Could you?" Phil tried not to look too relieved. "I mean, Tony can be a bit aggravating. I wouldn't put it past him to refuse just to annoy me."

"Now, I'm sure it won't be that bad." Steve's smile turned into a grin. "Besides, he's going to be more concerned with annoying Director Fury than annoying you."

This. This was why Captain America was the best.

This and all that punching bad guys stuff, of course.

*

This bird was tough, Fury was going to admit that.

He'd been staring it down for hours now and it'd hardly even blinked. Occasionally it would make distressed sounds, but whenever he asked questions, even simple yes or no ones, it refused to answer. Which was getting a bit frustrating, to be honest, which was why he was taking a lunch break.

"You," he said, pointing at the closest agent with the hand that wasn't holding his sandwich. "Go get me someone from the communications department."

"Sir!" The agent snapped into attention. "Who do need?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He frowned at her, waving his hand toward the stubborn stork. "An interpreter, of course."

Honestly. Was he the only sensible person on this helicarrier?

*

It took Natasha some time to stop laughing. When she did, however, she blinked at Phil. "Wait. You're serious, aren't you."

"Very serious." Phil nodded, not letting her laughter make his calmness waver. He had to keep it together if he wanted this to work. "I've already got Cap on this, he's going to convince Thor and Tony to help."

"What, not Clint?"

"Oh, Clint's definitely helping. He's currently nesting." Which caused her to laugh again, but at least this time she calmed down sooner. "Anyway, I would appreciate some help. At the very least you should show up and bring something, you know, it's traditional and all. As I already told Clint and Cap, I'm willing to authorize any acquisitions related to this." He'd damn well like to see Nick refuse to listen to him again after this.

"I approve of your tactics." Natasha nodded. "You know what, I'll speak with Maria for you. She's the one who found that really quick caterer for the emergency party for Clint's 500th band-aid last month, right? She'll know how to contact them."

"That's an excellent idea. Also ask her if there are some junior agents we could spare for decoration duty. It wouldn't do for things not to be appropriately festive, now would it?"

"Indeed." Natasha gave him an almost predatory smile, and not for the first time Phil was very glad he was not the actual target of it. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

It was probably for the better that he hadn't asked her to come up with some games for the party.

*

"Let me get this straight." Tony pointed at Steve. "We're arranging a party, on the Helicarrier, and Fury's not in on it? And we're not going to be in trouble?"

"More or less." Steve nodded. "Agent Coulson is in charge of things right now, and it's his idea, so it's not like someone can tell us no."

"And I wasn't the first person he asked? I'm so disappointed now, I really am. Everyone knows I throw the best parties. Remember my last Hey, The World Didn't End party?"

"I do, yes. However, I think this time we should stick to something a little less loud and flashy. There's very young ones involved, after all."

"No, I guess you're right, I'm not exactly the kid party type. So what do I need to do? There's not going to be an actual shower involved, is there? That'd be a problem, I was going to fly up there and I don't want my suit to get all rusty."

"I thought they weren't actual iron?" Steve lifted his eyebrows.

"It's the principle of the thing, my dear captain. So! What do I do? Just show up with my brilliant self when we get the alarm and therefore make the party a thousand times more awesome?"

"I think a gift is kind of expected. Agent Coulson said an acquisition —"

"Oh, forget it! I'm going to make something. That's going to be much more awesome than anything I could buy, and trust me, I could buy a lot of things." Tony tapped at his chin, looking thoughtful. "Now, where did I put my sonic screwdriver, again?"

Well. At least it seemed Tony was on board with the plan.

Now he just had to hope this wouldn't involve any explosions.

*

"What is it saying?" Fury turned his gaze from the stork to the interpreter sitting next to him.

"He's citing client confidentiality, Sir." Their bird call interpreter adjusted her glasses. "Apparently he cannot discuss the details of any deliveries with any third parties."

"Well, he'd better start talking! A delivery to a villain is clearly not an ordinary matter!" This caused the stork to make several indignant noises. Please. Like he was the bad guy here. "What'd it say now?"

"Ah." The interpreter paused. "He's saying it's bad for his deliveries to get overdue, that makes people unhappy. Also, that we have no proof he's actually delivering anything to a villain, and even if we did villains are entitled to mail, too."

"Oh, playing hard to crack, are we." Fury glared at the bird again. "That's fine. I don't mind overdue one bit."

He'd get to the bottom of this, yet. Even if he was apparently the only one in this damn organization who actually cared about clearly evil packages getting delivered willy-nilly.

Now where was Phil when Nick needed him?

*

"…And that's basically the plan. Really, all you need to do is show up." Phil watched Hulk closely for, well, any proper reaction. For the moment, he mostly just seemed thoughtful. "Ah. There's going to be cake."

"Cake good. Hulk like cake." Hulk nodded. "How many?"

"Er, what?" Phil blinked. "How many cakes?"

"No, no. Agent man say babies. How many babies?"

"Right! Ah, well. There's two."

"Good." This got him another slow, thoughtful nod. "Hulk bring two teddy bears."

And that? That sounded like an excellent plan indeed.

*

"Please clarify the purpose of this event." Thor frowned in apparent confusion. "This is not to be a literal shower, correct?"

"No, nothing like that." Steve shook his head. "I think the name comes from showering the baby with gifts? It's meant to help new parents get started in their life with a baby. So the guests bring baby-related gifts and there's food and games and other such things."

"Why, that sounds like an excellent tradition!" Thor grinned broadly. "I shall be happy to assist you with this!" Then, he frowned. "It is a pity that there is not more time. I would have traveled to Asgard and brought fine knives for the babes. It is important for a child's first weapon to be of excellent make. However, I fear the time is not enough for me to have such gifts made just for them."

"Ah." Now, how to handle that politely? "Here on Earth we, ah, we prefer for the parents to choose the first weapons and such."

Thor nodded with an understanding look. "Oh, of course. That is of course very sensible. I will have to procure some other gifts instead."

"Thank you. I'm sure the parents will appreciate it." Whoever they are. Did Magneto have a partner? He'd have thought they would have heard about that. But then who else would be ordering babies under the Lehnsherr name?

Well, they would certainly find out soon enough. Especially since Maria Hill had apparently done some research on her own and confirmed that all packages of Stork Special Service carried tracking chips for the purposes of precise locating.

He could only hope this wouldn't turn out badly.

*

Phil was almost surprised it took as much as two days for their visitors to show up.

It was a good thing they'd prepared everything in time, because there wasn't much of a warning. One moment the helicarrier and everyone on it were going about their lives, the next moment all the alarms had gone off because apparently someone had decided to come right through the bridge window.

No, several someones, he could see that now. Three others besides Magneto. He was carrying a young man, while a red-skinned man and a young woman flew in together.

Well. He had rather wondered if Magneto had indeed been the one to send the order. Perhaps there were other possibilities.

"Get Director Fury here, now." Well, if Magneto wanted Fury, flying in the middle of the helicarrier bridge and shouting was a very good way to do so. "Unless he comes out right away, I'm taking control of the whole place!"

And that, that was actually a reasonable threat. He'd controlled the Statue of Liberty, after all, the helicarrier would not be much of a challenge. Good thing Phil had no intention of stopping him, though, and apparently neither did Maria, who stepped forward now.

"Oh, good, you're finally here." Magneto seemed momentarily puzzled by this response. "Don't worry, we'll get Director Fury here right away and get this sorted out."

"…You know why I'm here." Magneto lowered himself closer to the floor, now, glaring at Maria and Phil, mostly because they were the only ones in the middle of the bridge right now, the more clueless agents all scrambling to safety. His three companions got closer as well, looking various mixtures of angry and worried.

"We do, yes." Phil nodded, motioning at one of the junior agents standing to the side to go get Fury. "And I assure you, we do not approve of Director Fury's actions."

"Is — is it all right?" The young woman stepped forward, looking hesitant. "He hasn't done anything, has he?"

"Don't worry, I've got a very reliable babysitter on it." Phil smiled. "Actually, I'll call him over right now, shall I?"

"We would be very grateful." The red-skinned man drew her close, and yeah, he rather suspected he'd just found the intended recipients.

Calling Clint didn't take long, and he nodded at their guests just as Director Fury marched in. "Don't worry, we'll meet up with him soon. For now, here is Director Fury himself."

"What is the meaning of this?" Nick was fuming as he marched closer. "Phil, Maria! Why is everyone not at battle stations? We've clearly been attacked!"

"I wouldn't say an attack, Sir." Phil carefully kept his expression neutral. "More like a formal complaint, really."

"What?" Nick frowned. "Don't be ridiculous."

"You!" Magneto strode toward Fury, shaking his fist. "I don't care what you think you're doing, this is low even for SHIELD! Of all the things, you'd resort to kidnapping?"

"Kidnapping?" Nick blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't try to lie," the young man growled. Now that Phil took a closer look, he definitely resembled Magneto an awful lot. "We got the tracking info from the delivery service! You stole my sister's baby!"

"I… what?" Now, Nick was staring. Phil cherished the moment. It wasn't often that he could see the Director baffled.

"I did try to tell you, Sir." Phil was careful to keep his satisfaction strictly internal. "The bundle you had me inspect, Sir, it was from Stork Special Service. Surely I don't need to tell you what that's for?"

"If you wish to attack me, that's one thing," Magneto said. "But to kidnap my daughter's child just because she's related to me is simply despicable!"

"I — I didn't know about any baby!" Nick blinked again. "The bird has just been squawking about client confidentiality and things like that!"

"And this, Director, is why taking in the complete report is important." How Maria could say that with a straight face, Phil had no idea. Then, completely ignoring Nick, she turned to their guests. "Would you follow me, please? We've prepared a little surprise. I understand nothing we can do would make up for your distress, but we hope this will at least convince you this was not on purpose."

Nick was left staring as Maria led Magneto and his family out of the bridge and toward the room where they had arranged the surprise baby shower, complete with Avengers. Phil nodded at him and followed. He wanted a piece of that cake, thank you very much, and Nick could deal with his own bafflement for a while.

As they arrived, everyone was already there. Hulk was holding two teddy bears with pretty bows around their necks, grinning widely. Tony was busy making a bit pyramid out of the gifts he had purchased; mostly Avengers-themed baby clothes, from what Pepper had told Phil. Well, at least they'd get some use out of those, and maybe even the mobile of tiny flying Iron Man suits Tony had built himself. Natasha, Steve, and Thor were all smiling and holding packages, while Clint was fiddling over something at the other end of the room.

"Clint?" Phil called over as Magneto's family filed into the room, staring at the baby blue decorations, food and other paraphernalia. "I think it's time for the delivery."

"Right!" Clint turned around, grinning wider than Phil had ever seen him before. He had a baby on each arm, one with a few lines of white on top of his otherwise bald head, the other with dark lines. Clint had stuck little bowties to the front of each of their clothes, which was probably what he'd been poking at just then. "Congratulations, it's boys!"

"Wait, two?" The woman's eyes widened even as she took a hesitant step forward. "Are you sure? We only ordered one! I mean, not that I wouldn't love to have two, but —"

"Ah. That might be because of me." The young man scratched the back of his head, looking sheepish. "See, I was thinking maybe the baby could look a bit like me, too? So you'd put in your hair color and stuff, and when I was taking it to the mail I filled in mine as well. I thought they'd just pick one or the other, but, uh, apparently they didn't?"

"Two children," the red-skinned man said, awe in his voice. "Wanda, my love, we have twins!"

"Absolutely beautiful twins." She was tearing up, now, rushing over to Clint to take one of the babies into her arms. The man Phil assumed was her partner came up and took the other. Clint looked about as proud as if he'd built the babies himself.

"Well, now that that's been handled, I think it's time for a little celebration, don't you think?" Ah, trust Captain America to take charge. Steve was smiling broadly. "We could start with some introductions, and then there's food and games and gifts!"

"Let's get started, yes." Natasha smirked. "I can't wait to play Pin the Eye-Patch on the Director."

Well. Nick could only blame himself for this whole mess, or for the yelling Maria gave him right outside the door before letting him into the party room.

And if he got a stomach ache from trying to beat Pietro in a cake eating competition later that night, he definitely deserved that, too.


End file.
